Two Years On

As I sit here on my couch, with the rain pouring down outside, Facebook is reminding me of a status I wrote two years ago to the day: “As I sit at the gate, waiting to board our flight out of NYC, I have mixed emotions. Feeling slightly robbed that I didn’t get to enjoy my favourite city by being the sickest I’ve been in a long while, but also having some pretty special times with family and friends. Praying for upgrade on the last leg of our trip to make up for what we’ve lost in New York. I miss you already NYC, until next time…” As we boarded our flight to Chicago, we had excitement and anticipation for our new adventure ahead. I was finally feeling more myself after coming down with acute bronchitis 7 days earlier (the entire time we were in NYC, except the first day), and we had never been to Chicago before, and we just really wanted to eat deep dish pizza! But what was to come next, we were not prepared for.

Our excitement quickly turned to mourning, literally. We landed in Chicago, Adam turned his phone off flight mode, and straight away a text came through letting us know his beautiful cousin Tina had lost her battle with cancer. We stood in the airport, right outside the bathrooms, holding each other and crying. We had been planning on visiting Tina when we got home from our trip, and what would we give to see her smiling face one last time. But knowing she’s having the ultimate feast in Heaven and dancing around the room engaging in every conversation brings peace and comfort.

Two years on, we still miss Tina, and two years on from that trip, I still feel robbed. I still feel robbed from the joy I should have had on that trip, and I definitely feel robbed with our journey to starting a family. You see, we said that would be our final last big holiday before we seriously started to try for a family.

On my last post in Getting Real, Life’s A Roller Coaster, regarding my fertility journey, I shared I had one more test to complete, a HyCoSy, to see if my fallopian tubes were blocked. Since then I’ve had that test, and it wasn’t the funnest of experiences, physically, mentally or emotionally. The day leading up to the test was horrible. My anxiety was at a 10, and I was on the verge of tears all day at work. Up until the point of actually bursting into tears on the shop floor when Adam called me to tell me more friends of ours were announcing they were pregnant. How is it, the one thing you desire more than anything, is the one thing that is falling down around you like rain. Once again that news was completely crushing, why did it seem so easy for others, and so impossible for us?

Those thoughts followed me through to the next day, as well as my anxiety, right up into the stuffy waiting room. It felt so sterile, so uninviting, and so daunting. All I could think of was that no matter what the results were, the end conclusion would be IVF. If my tubes are blocked, IVF. If they aren’t, then why haven’t we fallen pregnant yet?

The procedure itself was not completely horrible. (*WARNING – time for a little TMI*) First it was an internal ultrasound just to see if my uterus and ovaries looked “normal”. Indeed they did, although I had an excess amount of immature follicles on both ovaries (apparently that is not as uncommon as one would think). Then the test to see if there was any type of blockage in my tubes. This was the uncomfortable part (yep – the internal ultrasound had nothing on this), they insert a wire with a balloon on the end up past the cervix, expand the balloon so it allows an opening in the cervix for the catheter full of air and saline to get up into each Fallopian tube, where they squirt said air and saline mixture, while doing an external ultrasound to see if there is any kind of blockage. Not fun!

I didn’t know how to feel for the rest of the day. I didn’t really want to see anyone, I didn’t want to talk about it because I didn’t know how to express how I was feeling. The wait to see my GP with my results felt like the longest few days I’ve ever experienced. And my fears became a reality, I have unexplained infertility. There was no blockage, yes I have immature follicles, but everything else is either normal, or above average. So considering in 5 years, I’ve never fallen pregnant while not using any contraception, my GP gave me a referral for an IVF specialist.

Now it’s just the waiting game. Continuing to try every month, because nothing says we can’t get pregnant. And wait until right before Christmas for our first consultation appointment. Four months is a long time to wait when you’ve already been waiting for such a long time. And it’s hard to be patient in the waiting, it’s hard to rest in His promises He has for me, and that have been spoken over us as a couple. It’s hard to connect my head and my heart to those promises, and it’s often in the hard times, I speak those promises over my heart, as tears trickle down my cheeks because my head knowns the truth and I will stand in it, even when it feels like my time will never come.

Fortunately I’m not alone in this journey, as I have an incredible husband, amazing family and a group of close friends who cheer us on through it all. And to all those who have been or are going through a similar journey who have shared with me before, it’s comforting to know that there are others who can genuinely say, “I know exactly how you feel/what you’re going through.”

So as I build my confidence more to share more regularly as I go through what is my story, I hope it can help someone else on a similar journey.

#BYOB